All or None

black dotsIn the stock market world “All or None” relates to when you’re selling your shares you want to sell all of them, if not all can be sold, don’t sell any.

In the OCD/Depressed world it’s like when you have a disorganized office and you imagine having your bills labeled perfectly and every pen actually work.  But, if you can’t do it perfectly you might as well not even try.

During my worst moments my, “I’ll start tomorrow” changes to “On Monday” to “Next Month” and I wish I could say it ends there.

On those mornings that don’t work out as planned I stay paralyzed in bed and can’t move.  It’s the dumbest thing and makes no sense.  That’s one of the hardest things is you know that this is the most ridiculous thought but feels so real.

When I get in to this cloud I have to physically remind me of who is benefiting of this suffering.  Not in a self mutilating way, but with a journal I’ve kept outlining what emotions I was feeling when I was in a similar situation and what the end result was and how I felt that night.  This could be, I didn’t make it out of the house today BUT I did take a shower and eat something.  Changing the All or None into a viable second choice that’s available.

Everyday I am faced with the same challenge and it’s not getting any easier.  I have hope and it comes down to keeping a schedule so as my go to in this moment is “I’ll start tomorrow”, instead I forced myself to stay awake, made this post, I showered, ate food and even managed to do some real work.

Not everything has to be black and white, sometimes it’s gray.