Little has changed

There has been few positive changes, not everything has stayed the same. I’m back in school full time. We’ve made enough money to still have a house.  A few scary heart moments. But we’re still here.

What sucks though is I don’t feel any different mentally.  It’s still 3am and I’m wide awake typing this.  I reach a point where closing my eyes for so many hours can only last for so long. This isn’t stress for things that need to be done. I have plenty of time in my day to finish menial tasks.

I hate having flashbacks of past events. I hate having so many thoughts about the future and can’t live in the now. Why do I have to wait till Monday to start over?

The worst part of things not changing, is everything makes sense and seems so simple at night. Then the morning comes and it’s the hardest to get out of bed to do anything. Weighed down with a kind of tired you can’t shake. Mix in the deepest nightmares so real there’s no way it was only a dream.

I know. I know. I know. Listing all the things to try to start small and make a change.  Any tiny bit of motivation is consumed by this thick, soul sucking power. It is simply the worst.