It’s been a few months for me to write. I’ve been trying to stay busy with school and work. I think about the perfect recipe laid out before me, but I can’t do it. The ability I have for success makes so much sense. For whatever reason I’m back to sleeping my life away. I named this blog 3:30 am for a reason. I sleep all day and can’t sleep at night. My schedule seems to always return back to this.
Lately, I’ve been trying to convince myself after serving a mission I’m okay to receive these blessings just waiting for me to run away with. Another focus has been that Jesus Christ has already suffered and I don’t need to suffer in order to be successful. It’s insane how programmed my mind is thinking I need to suffer in order for good things to happen.
One reason I stay in bed during the day is I feel I can finally sleep in peace. Of course the anxiety builds up with all the things I should be doing and I stress myself out so much the only way to escape is to sleep. I hate going to sleep and I hate waking up. Some know I joke about the only superpower I want is not having to sleep.
Depression sucks so bad. I have good ideas on how to get better. Setting alarms, using the bed for only sleeping, eating consistently, getting outside etc. Except I can’t even put pants on and end up going downstairs to eat more no bake cookies before returning to bed. (true story)
Guess I just need to keep my eye on the ball.